The first Monday of the year must have a meltdown involved with it. I have to say, lately it has been tough to find something that is driving me Tom Cruise. But unlike Cruise in “Valkyrie“, I can get the job done in the end. Brad Pitt would have killed Hitler…

Dressed to Depress

After receiving a Macy’s gift card from my sister I decided it was time to take her hint: “Buy some new clothes you bum.” Looking at my collection of clean clothes still in a pile on the ground, I realized she had a point. I have like 3 pants, 3 shirts, a hoody and soxers (rhymes better) and boxers. Time to get ready and go.

Whenever I go shopping for clothes I need to do two things.

1. Bring a person who actually dresses well.
2. Go dressed like I know how to dress well.

The first part is pretty clear but the second may need to be explained. I try to wear an outfit that looks pretty good. The clothes I am going to look at must be in the same style of clothes I am currently wearing. I know people there will be judging me and thinking to themselves, “What is that guy shopping here for? By the looks of his rags, he is more out of place than Michael J. Fox, all Parkinson style, is at Anne Franks’ house” (constant movement making the floor boards creek causing a bunch of sound). Second Nazi era reference so far…awkward.

Quick Michael J Fox thought. If you are taking a picture with MJF, make sure you take the shot quickly and your shutter speed is fast. He may not be able to pose very long and the shot could come out blurry.

Unfortunately, no matter how well I think I am dressed when I look for new clothes, I still manage to look worse in my clothes than my possible ones. I’ll try on some clothes and put my old ones back on and suddenly I look worn down and dull. My clothes are faded from so many times through the washer and dryer. Everything new and different looks good and better because I am already self conscious. Plus, I try on stuff I can not afford anyway…thus, nicer clothes even if mine were brand new.

The problem with nicer clothes is that I won’t wear them. I’ll wear in a new suit I got to work, but everyone there will be in shorts and a t-shirt. They’ll point, laugh, BE JEALOUS, and win this round of stick to Target brand you loser. Most rounds I don’t win, but the one time i do…will keep me playing the game of “No One Cares What You Are Wearing, You Ego Maniac.”

Side Note: 2 Wheels in the Planter Box, 2 in My Spot

Why is it every time you finally find an open parking spot at a crowded parking lot, there always turns out to be a shopping cart sticking in that space making your parking job all fucked up (if parking there is even possible now)?