Sometimes at Wpromote, we battle it out. We never get physical; rather, we use our words…

I enjoy going out to eat. A nice restaurant with a special someone or with a group of friends allows us to eat well and relax. Or so one would think.

The problem with a really good restaurant is that they usually have something on the menu that stands out above everything else. This doesn’t necessarily mean that everything else is bad or not as tasty. The other food choices may even be better, but one may never know. That one delicious retreat ruins you for the rest of the menu…and for the rest of your dining experience at that particular restaurant. You become a prisoner to one dish.

I Can’t Take That Chance

The best way for me to explain this great taste side effect is to explain it through some of my favorite restaurants.

Christy’s

Christy’s is an upscale romantic Italian ristorante located in Long Beach, California. Christy’s boasts a large wine selection, coupled with award winning food in an atmosphere that whispers, “You shouldn’t be here, it’s too good for you. But since you are, we are gonna serve the hell out of you and make you come back for more.” Besides the creepy servers whispering long lines in your ear, it’s amazing.

Christy’s Rigatoni Con Carne is the most satisfying pasta dish I have ever eaten. It tastes great and fills me up-right. The problem I have with it is that it is so good I can’t get away from it. Everything sounds great on their menu, and may very well be, but if I choose something else…that is a wasted opportunity I could have had my favorite meal of choice. I can’t risk the chance of another meal not living up to the Rigatoni.

My Advise

1. Go to Christy’s.
2. Don’t order the Rigatoni Con Carne.
3. Trust me.

Claim Jumper

Claim Jumper is one of those places that has a variety of foods: from steak to halibut and club sandwiches to salads. Oh and did I mention…everything comes in huge portions.

My meal of relentless grip is the blackened chicken Cesar salad (light on the Cesar). The fact is, CJ slices up about 17 chickens, give or take 16.5 chickens, providing the salad with ample protein to make even a man feel like…well, a man! And the croutons… They are large and forgiving enough to allow forking without the ol’ crouton crumble. The portion feeds a family of giraffes and if laid out on the floor of a forest, the salad provides excellent foliage to shelter the nutrient rich soil.

Garlic bread too.

BOOM!

Now that your mind is blown I think you can understand why after a salad at Jumper, I can never again take the leap into another meal selection.

My Advise

1. Go to Claim Jumper.
2. Don’t order the Blackened Chicken Cesar Salad.
3. Trust me.

For a country that has a population of about 1.3 billion, the Chinese are quite the prudes. With a population in the 500 millions, during the 1950’s, the Chinese used to be down with…well, getting down! Yet since 1979 the Chinese government, headed by Deng Xiaoping (at the time:1979), established the one child policy. This limited couples to only producing one child. The policy was supposed to be temporary, yet it remains in place today. Every year millions of Chinese babies are petrified, hallowed out, and matched with similar looking smaller preemies and sold to the Russians to use as dolls. Resourceful Communists!

So continuing on with the Chinese hate for sex, China’s government has issued statements, to major Internet search engines, that they will no longer tolerate pornography-related content on their Search Engines. This includes Google.com, Baidu.com, Netease.com (come on, any-tease is all about porn…or at least soft-core. Damn teasers!), and QQ.com. I know what you are thinking, but no, I didn’t make up the QQ one. Of course, that would be the name of an Asian search engine. If you don’t like it than QQ more.

Google will bend to the will of China because of their large population. Google makes a fortune off of people selling Bibles through the sponsored listings in China. But…China need not worry anyway. Google has already begun to crack down on porn via the paid advertising in the United States. If caught advertising what they deem an ethically wrong porn, Google will ban the advertiser from using their Google Adwords (sponsored link advertising).

I enjoy the fact that Google has become so powerful they can tell us what is moral or immoral, ethical or unethical, and hardcore shit or artsy erotic visuals. The porn industry is huge (so I hear) and the search volume for it is incredibly large (so I’ve read), so to me, it seams odd that Google would hinder itself from receiving that dirty sex-soaked money. Besides, when the money is digital and electronic it can only be so dirty.

China’s population growth is slowing and in a couple of decades their population will be the second largest in the world. Google, tell China to go to www.fuckyouchina.com, and use that url to show them all of the future profits you will soon be making off of porn based advertising in Google India.

Hey China, Google called. They said next time they need to build tissue paper dragons, walls or railways they’ll think of you. Until then, run your country. Google will rule the earth. They’ve already renamed it…

The first Monday of the year must have a meltdown involved with it. I have to say, lately it has been tough to find something that is driving me Tom Cruise. But unlike Cruise in “Valkyrie“, I can get the job done in the end. Brad Pitt would have killed Hitler…

Dressed to Depress

After receiving a Macy’s gift card from my sister I decided it was time to take her hint: “Buy some new clothes you bum.” Looking at my collection of clean clothes still in a pile on the ground, I realized she had a point. I have like 3 pants, 3 shirts, a hoody and soxers (rhymes better) and boxers. Time to get ready and go.

Whenever I go shopping for clothes I need to do two things.

1. Bring a person who actually dresses well.
2. Go dressed like I know how to dress well.

The first part is pretty clear but the second may need to be explained. I try to wear an outfit that looks pretty good. The clothes I am going to look at must be in the same style of clothes I am currently wearing. I know people there will be judging me and thinking to themselves, “What is that guy shopping here for? By the looks of his rags, he is more out of place than Michael J. Fox, all Parkinson style, is at Anne Franks’ house” (constant movement making the floor boards creek causing a bunch of sound). Second Nazi era reference so far…awkward.

Quick Michael J Fox thought. If you are taking a picture with MJF, make sure you take the shot quickly and your shutter speed is fast. He may not be able to pose very long and the shot could come out blurry.

Unfortunately, no matter how well I think I am dressed when I look for new clothes, I still manage to look worse in my clothes than my possible ones. I’ll try on some clothes and put my old ones back on and suddenly I look worn down and dull. My clothes are faded from so many times through the washer and dryer. Everything new and different looks good and better because I am already self conscious. Plus, I try on stuff I can not afford anyway…thus, nicer clothes even if mine were brand new.

The problem with nicer clothes is that I won’t wear them. I’ll wear in a new suit I got to work, but everyone there will be in shorts and a t-shirt. They’ll point, laugh, BE JEALOUS, and win this round of stick to Target brand you loser. Most rounds I don’t win, but the one time i do…will keep me playing the game of “No One Cares What You Are Wearing, You Ego Maniac.”

Side Note: 2 Wheels in the Planter Box, 2 in My Spot

Why is it every time you finally find an open parking spot at a crowded parking lot, there always turns out to be a shopping cart sticking in that space making your parking job all fucked up (if parking there is even possible now)?