When I was young there were many things I enjoyed. I loved to play Nintendo, catch fireflys, watch cartoons, go to United Skates of America and play with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys.

The early Ninja Turtle toys were amazing. The original four turtle figures all came with a grimace, brownish colored weapons, and hours of entertainment. I remember having a few of the turtles, if not all of them, and papa Gazzuolo randomly buying me Leonardo: my favorite ninja turtle. He had katana blades! Swords to you losers.

Their weapons would bend over time (cheap plastic) and their paint would wear on their bodies. At the time no one cared about lead based paint. Back in the day, we licked our toys and didn’t complain when we died.

While I did cherish those early turtle toys, it wasn’t until the introduction of the turtle vehicles that I first understood what a man’s parts were for.

Ninja Turtle Vehicle Invasion

My first vehicle was the Psycho Cycle. This was the motorcycle with the side trashcan seat/stand that could be propelled by a rip-cord. You pulled the cord through the cycle and it spun those wheels (line in a ninja turtle movie song – movie 1) so that the cycle would zip along the floor. It was totally radical and a good start.

The next vehicle I received is possibly the greatest toy in the history of toys. I am not overstating the importance of this toy. If this fact is denied the government finds you and murders you. Fact. The vehicle (all together now): The Turtle Pizza Thrower! Electronic and humming, this ground vehicle which was almost tank like, sat a turtle to shoot pizza pies at his enemies. With a push of a button the vehicle shot out the pizzas fast and far. The projection of the pizza was quite amazing. I heard that NASA has actually studied it for future shuttle use.

The projectile pizzas would not only be used to attack foot-soldiers and other baddies, but was also perfect for attacking your friends and family. “Hey Dom, can you clean your roo…” Bam! Pizza to the eye! Think again Mom…and wear some goggles the next time you come at me with that shit. I had a foul mouth as a kid.

Th last turtle vehicle I received was the punching action turtle plane or helicopter (I can’t remember). This was the last of the ninja turtle vehicles I ever received. I was given it at a birthday party I had at the Untied Skates of America in Ohio. It had a gun-like trigger in the back to hold the vehicle and to make two punching glove weapons on it’s side…well, punch. It was cool for a while. If you were playing with your friends, and didn’t get to pick the pizza thrower, it was a nice alternative vehicle to choose as your primary attack vehicle.

Future impressive toys I eventually got a hold of included the Exo-Squad projectile firing toys. Something about being able to shoot something out of a toy just really got me going. Surprisingly enough, I didn’t turn into a gun crazy psycho…yet.