1. The raw data. By the numbers, who was the best ever in any given statistical category?
2. Intangibles. Was the ability displayed on the field even able to be measured in numbers? What made this player standout besides the stats.
3. The source. Is the person claiming a player is the “greatest” affiliated to the player in some way? Basically, are they a fan of that player’s team?

When analyzing these three categories, you would hope they are all weighted and took into consideration amongst debaters. Unfortunately, when amongst friends, in informal settings, the only area of concern is the source. Anytime you throw out a players name in a discussion your friends will recognize that the player is on your team’s roster (or former roster) and immediately mock and harass you for being a homer. You are nothing more than a big fan (now the picture makes sense…kind of).

“They have the best winning percentage ever guys!”

“What team again? Lakers? Get out of here with that! ‘Oh I love the Lakers’…nice purple colors Lady Tron.”

Owned.

It doesn’t have to make sense when in friend rebuttal form, it just has to mock you and belittle you as a person in some way. That’s what friends do. Your claims may be sound, backed up with data, and clear to most paid analysts on ESPN, but to your friends, you are nothing but a home team lemming.

Fan Up for Your Team

There is only one solution to the problem of friend discrediting: kill your friends. After you get out of prison on good behavior and extra help in the library where you find books which guide you to the practices of piece and Muhammad, you can also try faking your team allegiance. This can be quite difficult and at times, extremely painful; but if pulled off correctly, faking your fandom can be very rewarding.

The key step to faking your fan allegiance is finding the right time to make the conversion. Going off to college is often used for education, but for a true fan, this time is used to convert the seeds of jerseys and website bookmarks to grow your fake fandom. If you go into a new group of friends displaying a different team allegiance your future arguments for a player on another team look quite strong.

“I have to say, for as long as I have known Lamarcus he has been a die hard Pittsburgh fan. For him to say Otto Graham and Jim Brown are the greatest ever says a lot. I believe him.” (Actual recreated response…maybe.)

Only a true fan can root for the rival team for years on end just to make their point stand up in an arena of their peers.

Co-workers have done a double take a couple of times. It is kind of funny. I will start talking to someone and they are just checking out my calender and thinking “This guy’s a creep: checking out half naked comic chicks.”

After a day of looking at this, along with many office walker-byers, I decided to make Ms. Marvel a nice poodle skirt.

It’s true. American Idol is a huge hit every season. It has been running the same way since it started, and has only changed a few faces at the judges table. Ok ok. Before I go any further I will comfort you, the reader, and let you know: this is not a post critiquing or reviewing anything that has recently happened on American Idol. Rather, this is a post suggesting a way to make American Idol not just a hit, but cool as well.

I think American Idol should have:

• An all celebrity American Idol. Not just regular celebrities, either. They should all be singers or former singers from popular bands.
• An American Idol where a couple music industry celebrities are mixed in with the competitors.

Battle of the Band’s…lead singer.

In an all celebrity American Idol we would see former and established musical stars compete to find out who is the favorite or best. The voting should be a mixture of both viewer voting and the judges. This would cancel out the possibility of the younger artists when based on current popularity. Basically we turn American Idol into America. The viewers are the House of Representatives, which no one really respects, and the judges are like the Senate: more established and recognized as important.

The most important part are the celebrities singers. I don’t care who is thrown in the mix. Saline Dion, Harry Conick Jr., one of the Boys to Men guys. I don’t care. I just want three specific singers in the mix.

1. Spike Lawson of Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. The band plays nothing but covers! They will make you love old classics once again. Granted everything is fast and often has a punk beat, but if you don’t mind some classic song played fast and loud, you will love Spike Lawson and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes.

2. Rivers Cuomo of Weezer. He has the geek-chic thing going on which America loves and he can belt out notes with the best of them. If you need an “ohhhhh” in the middle of a song, he’s your man.

3. Matt Pryor of The Get Up Kids. My all time favorite singer, Pryor has the ability to hit a note, sing it load and long, and make it his own. His voice has a bit of a raspy sound to it which gives it just the right amount of distinction. Different yet recognizably amazing.

   
   
   

The bottom line is American Idol needs a makeover. Just because a person can sing does not make them entertaining. We need people we can connect to because we already know them. We need some Celebrity Idol.

The Problems:

• Some people are just rude. If one opens a door going forward the following person should take the batton. The follower should give thanks and take the wait of the door. Unfortunately, too many people do not say thanks, and worse, some don’t even receive the door. Rude people will just walk through with heads down. I hate that.
• The waiting game. Once in awhile you hold a door for someone who takes their sweet-ass time. If eye contact is established you better move on through quickly.
• The waiting game: overtime. Sometimes there is a person behind you at an odd distance. If you hold the door the previous situation may occur, and if you just let the door shut the door shuts just as they get to it and you look like a dick.
• Too close for comfort. Occasionally you are stuck holding the door open ahead of you and the walker-through has to squeeze by you because they are a heavy set person. I’ll allow very few bellies to touch mine, and I would like to keep it that way.

Self-propelled Solution

Every office building needs a rotating door. These are great for buildings with people blind spots. You never have to wait on people or be left in an awkward position deciding to hold a door or not. Occasionally one gets stuck with some idiot who gets in the same little nook with you (making for both of you to create short shuffle steps to push the door forward and not touch), but for the most part rotating doors clear up many door waiting dilemmas.

When you enter a grocery store there is often a solicitor. It’s either a group of girl scouts, during the holidays a Santa or charity rep, or just a standard bum. On the way in they just say hello and give you a smile. A regular to the store knows they don’t care about you. All they want is your money. To get it they try setting you up with some connection. Like a sales person in any other field they try to lower your guard early to eventually get what they want in the end: your money.

On the way out of the store you are left with that awkward interaction where you try and avoid eye contact, but they still address you. Often we respond with a mumble or a “sorry.” I have decided to compile a list of ways to deal with this awkward avoidance, so that we are prepared to deal with these scavenging solicitors.

• Actually give them your change.
• Say “sorry” and move along.
• Act like you are on a very intense cellphone call. “No! Tell them to cut the blue wire or we’re all dead!”
• Sneaking out behind someone else. Try hiding behind someone who looks like a giver: a happy old lady works well, but remember…old people are slow try to time your escape accordingly.
• Leave the cart in the store and carry all of your bags. This can be tough, and should be. With both hands full, and your body in a quick shuffle to hurry to the car so you can release the bags, the solicitor will often disregard addressing you. You have no hands to fish-out change and look too busy to bother.
• Bring a gun and shoot the solicitor on the way out.

Whatever you do to get out of the awkward situation, I hope it works. If there is one thing that’s true in this universe, it’s that helping other people can be freak’n annoying.

Dom and Lauren discuss random topics.