Right?!

Muammar Gaddafi and Disney’s Prince John are the same person. Both are ruling their lands. Both are hated by their own people. Both have sweet hats…

That was yesterday.

As of this morning, the emotionless mugs of many a molester and offender were still coming up under my name in Google Images, yet by this afternoon something strange happened: my name no-longer produced the faces of the damned. This can only mean one or 4 things.

1. Google is always watching. They have been on to me for years! Ever since I called them out on the time they celebrated groundhog’s day several days in a row they have been watching my ever post. They saw the oddness of the Georgia sex offender list and must have realized I live in California. I expect the California sex offender mug shots to be tied to my name shortly.
2. The government is watching me. It makes sense since I am supposedly on their sex offender list. This is just another case of the government silencing the sex offenders. We have rights too!
3. Coincidence and just dumb…bad luck? Maybe Google just posted results like that on my name out of randomness… Nah! They’re Google. Does God do things he doesn’t intend to do? All of you religious types better hope not. That would ruin everything!
4. I made the whole thing up. Sure, I could have made the whole thing up. After all, what’s better to relate one’s self to than a Georgia sex offender?

Am I happy my name is no-longer associated with sex offenders? A little bit, yeah. But admittedly there is a part of me which was beginning to own the situation. When I was associated with Georgia sex offenders I was a somebody. Now, I’m just a regular guy who gets on sex lists just like the rest of the world…by signing up for porn newsletters. Because that’s why people sign-up on porn sites…the newsletters.

Like Neo being taken to the Oracle for consultation in the Matrix, I to had to go to Google to find out who I was. “Dominic Gazzuolo” I typed into the all-knowing machine. Without submitting a quarter or asking a question, Google knew what I wanted: Who am I?

Rather than view the webpage results in Google, I went straight to Google “Images” because as the saying goes, “a picture is worth a thousand words.” (Strangely enough, if you begin to type the saying “a picture…” Google will suggest “a picture that cost a mother her baby.” You know…that ol’ search.)

Ah ha! Just as I thought may happen! The first image of me is a picture of myself looking  nerdy. It is the picture of me at a Tim Sale artist signing which is at a comic book shop. The charity event helped raise money for old comic book creators who need some extra financial support. The image basically says that I am nerdy, into art and a charitable guy. There you have it. The wise Google nailed who I was as a…wait a tick…

As with any “Images” page on Google there are many pictures and thus, many stories. The next 20 or so images were all just random pictures, but then as I scrolled down I noticed something very odd. Under the keyword “Dominic Gazzuolo” in Google “Images” there are a ton of head-shots of guys.

At first I just thought it was a row or two, but then I noticed that the more I scrolled the more faces of random dudes showed up under my name. Dare I scroll over some of the male faces which emotionless stare through my computer screen? I must! They saturate my name! I must know why!

Georgia Sex Offenders

All of the head-shots are actually mug shots of Georgia sex offenders. Some how my first and last name combination brings up this particular state’s list of sex offenders. Little did my parents know, when they created Dominic Gazzuolo they apparently created the perfect name for a sex offender in Georgia. I will say, as sex offending goes, Georgia is the state for peaches…

Dirty bad jokes aside…wtf?! I looked up names for Georgia sex offenders and there happen to be 3 named Dominic and 1 with the last name Gazzuolo. For some messed-up reason, when 3 Dominic’s and 1 Gazzuolo’s sex offending rings are combined it becomes one fucked-up Captain Georgia Sex Offending Planet.

After some laughing about it, because what could I really do, I started to wonder:

• Is Google telling me to become a sex offender?
• Is Google showing me a future yet to come?
• What’s Georgia like this time of year?

At this point, please proceed to Google.com and search “Dominic Gazzuolo” in the images and scroll down.

1. The raw data. By the numbers, who was the best ever in any given statistical category?
2. Intangibles. Was the ability displayed on the field even able to be measured in numbers? What made this player standout besides the stats.
3. The source. Is the person claiming a player is the “greatest” affiliated to the player in some way? Basically, are they a fan of that player’s team?

When analyzing these three categories, you would hope they are all weighted and took into consideration amongst debaters. Unfortunately, when amongst friends, in informal settings, the only area of concern is the source. Anytime you throw out a players name in a discussion your friends will recognize that the player is on your team’s roster (or former roster) and immediately mock and harass you for being a homer. You are nothing more than a big fan (now the picture makes sense…kind of).

“They have the best winning percentage ever guys!”

“What team again? Lakers? Get out of here with that! ‘Oh I love the Lakers’…nice purple colors Lady Tron.”

Owned.

It doesn’t have to make sense when in friend rebuttal form, it just has to mock you and belittle you as a person in some way. That’s what friends do. Your claims may be sound, backed up with data, and clear to most paid analysts on ESPN, but to your friends, you are nothing but a home team lemming.

Fan Up for Your Team

There is only one solution to the problem of friend discrediting: kill your friends. After you get out of prison on good behavior and extra help in the library where you find books which guide you to the practices of piece and Muhammad, you can also try faking your team allegiance. This can be quite difficult and at times, extremely painful; but if pulled off correctly, faking your fandom can be very rewarding.

The key step to faking your fan allegiance is finding the right time to make the conversion. Going off to college is often used for education, but for a true fan, this time is used to convert the seeds of jerseys and website bookmarks to grow your fake fandom. If you go into a new group of friends displaying a different team allegiance your future arguments for a player on another team look quite strong.

“I have to say, for as long as I have known Lamarcus he has been a die hard Pittsburgh fan. For him to say Otto Graham and Jim Brown are the greatest ever says a lot. I believe him.” (Actual recreated response…maybe.)

Only a true fan can root for the rival team for years on end just to make their point stand up in an arena of their peers.

Co-workers have done a double take a couple of times. It is kind of funny. I will start talking to someone and they are just checking out my calender and thinking “This guy’s a creep: checking out half naked comic chicks.”

After a day of looking at this, along with many office walker-byers, I decided to make Ms. Marvel a nice poodle skirt.

It’s true. American Idol is a huge hit every season. It has been running the same way since it started, and has only changed a few faces at the judges table. Ok ok. Before I go any further I will comfort you, the reader, and let you know: this is not a post critiquing or reviewing anything that has recently happened on American Idol. Rather, this is a post suggesting a way to make American Idol not just a hit, but cool as well.

I think American Idol should have:

• An all celebrity American Idol. Not just regular celebrities, either. They should all be singers or former singers from popular bands.
• An American Idol where a couple music industry celebrities are mixed in with the competitors.

Battle of the Band’s…lead singer.

In an all celebrity American Idol we would see former and established musical stars compete to find out who is the favorite or best. The voting should be a mixture of both viewer voting and the judges. This would cancel out the possibility of the younger artists when based on current popularity. Basically we turn American Idol into America. The viewers are the House of Representatives, which no one really respects, and the judges are like the Senate: more established and recognized as important.

The most important part are the celebrities singers. I don’t care who is thrown in the mix. Saline Dion, Harry Conick Jr., one of the Boys to Men guys. I don’t care. I just want three specific singers in the mix.

1. Spike Lawson of Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. The band plays nothing but covers! They will make you love old classics once again. Granted everything is fast and often has a punk beat, but if you don’t mind some classic song played fast and loud, you will love Spike Lawson and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes.

2. Rivers Cuomo of Weezer. He has the geek-chic thing going on which America loves and he can belt out notes with the best of them. If you need an “ohhhhh” in the middle of a song, he’s your man.

3. Matt Pryor of The Get Up Kids. My all time favorite singer, Pryor has the ability to hit a note, sing it load and long, and make it his own. His voice has a bit of a raspy sound to it which gives it just the right amount of distinction. Different yet recognizably amazing.

   
   
   

The bottom line is American Idol needs a makeover. Just because a person can sing does not make them entertaining. We need people we can connect to because we already know them. We need some Celebrity Idol.