Dressed to Depress

After receiving a Macy’s gift card from my sister I decided it was time to take her hint: “Buy some new clothes you bum.” Looking at my collection of clean clothes still in a pile on the ground, I realized she had a point. I have like 3 pants, 3 shirts, a hoody and soxers (rhymes better) and boxers. Time to get ready and go.

Whenever I go shopping for clothes I need to do two things.

1. Bring a person who actually dresses well.
2. Go dressed like I know how to dress well.

The first part is pretty clear but the second may need to be explained. I try to wear an outfit that looks pretty good. The clothes I am going to look at must be in the same style of clothes I am currently wearing. I know people there will be judging me and thinking to themselves, “What is that guy shopping here for? By the looks of his rags, he is more out of place than Michael J. Fox, all Parkinson style, is at Anne Franks’ house” (constant movement making the floor boards creek causing a bunch of sound). Second Nazi era reference so far…awkward.

Quick Michael J Fox thought. If you are taking a picture with MJF, make sure you take the shot quickly and your shutter speed is fast. He may not be able to pose very long and the shot could come out blurry.

Unfortunately, no matter how well I think I am dressed when I look for new clothes, I still manage to look worse in my clothes than my possible ones. I’ll try on some clothes and put my old ones back on and suddenly I look worn down and dull. My clothes are faded from so many times through the washer and dryer. Everything new and different looks good and better because I am already self conscious. Plus, I try on stuff I can not afford anyway…thus, nicer clothes even if mine were brand new.

The problem with nicer clothes is that I won’t wear them. I’ll wear in a new suit I got to work, but everyone there will be in shorts and a t-shirt. They’ll point, laugh, BE JEALOUS, and win this round of stick to Target brand you loser. Most rounds I don’t win, but the one time i do…will keep me playing the game of “No One Cares What You Are Wearing, You Ego Maniac.”

Side Note: 2 Wheels in the Planter Box, 2 in My Spot

Why is it every time you finally find an open parking spot at a crowded parking lot, there always turns out to be a shopping cart sticking in that space making your parking job all fucked up (if parking there is even possible now)?

Women and Children First

There’s no big uproar. No out cry. There will be no hate or animosity either. When LeBron James leaves Cleveland, the fans and city will move on as soon as he signs with New York. King James will be just another character in what is the tragedy of Cleveland, Ohio. Well, not exactly.

LeBron is a local. He grew up in Ohio, and not the racist Cincinnati area (Timothy Thomas). Most Clevelanders, or locals to Cleveland, grow up watching the Indians, Browns, and Cavaliers hoping and praying for a victory. A win. A championship. We grow up watching clips of “The Fumble”, “The Drive”, Willie Mays’  “The Catch”, Jose Mesa’s blown save, and Michael Jordan with “The Shot” over Craig Elho. We continue to lose, yet we still dream for a victory just the same. We may be kicked around, but we are loyal and we never waiver. We know our inevitable fate but continue the Cleveland love anyway. Most of us anyway.

Will the local kid make good?

James has openly admitted to liking the Yankees and Cowboys. Conveniently, these are the teams who were winning when LeBron was young. James not only admits liking those teams but he even wore a Yankee hat to Cleveland’s opening playoff game in Cleveland against the Yankees.

When I think of what LeBron James represents to Cleveland I think of the film Titanic. In the film the ship is going down. Titanic has way more people on board than there are lifeboats. Thus, we hear the crew yell out “women and children first”. There is honor in allowing the (at the time) weaker to get away to safety. The ship is sinking and this brings no pleasure for sure (dieing is usually not desirable), but it is our ship and we are all our own lesser captains. And so, like the Titanic captain, we go down with our ship: the S.S.Cleveland.

James is weak. Physically he may be strong, but mentally he is the rich guy who jumps on the life boat when the officer is looking away. James wins games for Cleveland currently, and that’s great.  But if he decides to go after another treasure other than the heart shaped necklace at the bottom of the sea next to his ship, than he will cement himself as the biggest front-runner in history.

Chevron Parades for the Holidays

This past Sunday the city of El Segundo had a Christmas parade. Yeah, they don’t call it a Holiday parade. They are mostly conservatives and that means they don’t give a fuck about other religions. Marching baby Jesus, dancing 3 wise men, and Bill O’Riely dressed as Santa in a fire truck, at the very end. Despite the wackiness of it, I have no problem with it. My problem is that they decided to shut down the Main Street (actual name of street, plus it is the main street) in El Segundo. This meant I could only get to the other half of El Segundo (by car) by going way out of my way!

Being a Sunday, I thought I would see if my good pal on the other side of town wanted to watch some football or go holiday shopping. I’m totally gay. I know. I couldn’t call him because my phone’s battery had died the previous night after some long conversations. Normally that would be fine because I would just drive over in 2 minutes and see what he was up to. But on this festive street hogging Sunday the trip would take about 15mins.

I drove way around to literally one street that was going to the other side. There of course was traffic because it was the only way through. Not to mention (though I am mentioning it next…what dumb phrase…anyway) there were cars parked on every little side street because of the parade. One car could pass down the street at a time. I ended up having to wait for cars in the other direction to make their way through narrow sections. After they passed I bombed down the street myself before another car could come and meet me going the opposite direction.

Of course when I got to my buddy’s place he wasn’t even home. I had to drive all the way back around to get back to my side of El Segundo and the world. Round trip estimated time…40mins. No joke! I of course am factoring in the fact that I stopped for gas 3 times. Check out the map below. Main St. was blocked all the way to El Segundo Blvd.

Because of that parade I was short on gas, then cash, and now patience for any parade again. Unless of course it is a parade for a Cleveland sports team when they win their first Championship in over 45 years. And the likely hood of that happening…is thinner than my patience for parades.

Here is a test for anyone to try on their own. Turn on a NBA game and close your eyes. What you are hearing is a bunch of women chanting constantly. Annoying, isn’t it?

Players like Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, and Paul Pierce have altered the way scorers are now playing the game. For years, players like Michael Jordan have been driving to the basket with the intent to draw a foul. The scorers knew they simply had to get close to their opponents, near the hoop, and they could get an easy whistle. Now, players are still dribbling to the hoop strong, but they are also yelling out when they go up for a shot.

• Lay-up in the lane – “OOOOhhh!”
• Short jump shot – “Heeey!”
• Ball blocked or swatted away while dribbling – “Motha f*****”
• Time-out called – “Whaaaa!”

Players are using any excuse to yell out loud and try to draw a foul. They are thinking if they yell out, while being guarded with the ball, the referees will assume they were fouled. Are you kidding me?! Even if Shaq punches you in the face you shouldn’t make a sound (unless it’s a giggle if he says Kazaam while hitting you).

Watching a NBA game now is like watching a women’s softball game: non-stop chanting and yelling. In softball, I don’t know how the coaches can sit on the bench in tight situations and think.

This post goes out to you patient deaf softball coaches. We solute you.