The Third Wheel

As the scholars will recite, the twins Romulus and Remus were fathered by the Roman God Mars (Ares in Greek Mythology), but what the scholars fail to educate is that the twins had a brother: Larry. Larry was born of the same mother Rhea, yet was not identical to his brothers. He was born with a full head of curly dark hair and looked nothing like his brothers, the twins.

Fearing a prophecy, the current king of the lands ordered the three children killed. However, a servant rescued the children from harm and sent them down the Tiber river, in a basket, to safety. The children were then taken care of by a she-wolf!

There have been many popular works of art showing the twins sucking from the she-wolf’s teat. You won’t find Larry in any of the statues or depictions because it is written by Plutarch that Larry’s first words were:

“Whoa, whoa whoa. I don’t think so. Do you two know where those teats have been? I mean look at her. She’s probably had 5, at least 6 little cubs or wolvlets…whatever they call them. Plus, those little guys probably got curious from time to time and were licking themselves. You know…down there. All I’m say’n is I’m good with this Tiber action over here. Hey…if you are looking for me I’ll be by the Tiber. I’ll be drinking a lot of water there and if I Tiber myself out I might take a nap. Ha. Get it. Tiber. Like t…ah Pluto (Hades in Greek) never mind. Gross.”

As the children aged into men the twins grew beautiful and strong. Larry wasn’t out of shape, but not really in shape. He was eating a lot of breads and pastas, yet lifting rocks and running sphinx littered paths all the time. Larry was maintaining a nice comfortable equilibrium. He was datable but…well thank Jupiter he was funny.

One day Romulus killed Remus because Remus simply jumped over a mote Romulus dug to protect their city the brothers were building. Larry is quoted by Plutarch as saying, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Bro! That is not cool.” Romulus let Larry know that if he didn’t like it he could go live in another city. Romulus named his city after himself (Roma) and told Larry to start his city in the lower valleys of northern Italy.

Romulus is actually credited for naming Larry’s city for him in the taunting reported by Plutarch:

“Yeah, that’s right, go! You little girl! Take all of your pet turtles with you, you harpy. Go out to your valley and start your little Gay zoo of turtles! Ha ha. Hey Larry…turtle power!”

And thus started the town of GayZooLow. Later the town named evolved into the spelling we know today as Gazzuolo, but back then…GayZooLow. Larry became know as the first GayZooLow (and also the first Gazzuolo)

Roma still stands as huge city with much great history and tradition, yet so still does the town of Gazzuolo. And while the town lives on, so too does the name Gazzuolo. In fact, Gazzuolos can still be seen today. Simply search Google Maps and you shall see one now…tending to his lawn.